Many people get into relationships to fulfill their own wants and needs. This all works great for a while, but eventually rifts of turmoil begin to set in and more often than not, both partners get disillusioned and opt out of the relationship in the hopes that a new one will be better.
As more and more people on the planet become more conscious, this model for relationships is being replaced by a more conscious model. A new paradigm so-to-speak (though I believe this has always been the purpose of relationships)
Now, conscious (those who are AWAKE) are coming together in relationships for the goal of personal and spiritual growth. It’s a journey. A sacred dance as Shala and I call it.
It’s an adventure and a journey of evolution as both partners head into the relationship with the expectation to GROW and EXPAND as a result of the merging.
We’re being called to awaken more
We’re being called to awaken more and more, becoming more conscious in our relationships.
Whether you’re single or in a relationship, you’ll benefit from learning more about conscious relationships. It means you’re aware of who YOU are.
Journey into a new paradigm for relationships and remember, it is but a journey. There is no grand finale destination. Being conscious means that you stay aware and present in the moment. Connected at a deeper level.
Here are some of the things that comprise a conscious relationship:
A conscious relationship requires honest and open communication. When engaging with another person, especially during conflict or contrast, can you be present and aware of the dynamics at a deeper level instead of judging? Can you hear them with your spiritual ears? See them with your spiritual eyes? If you can, you’ll be able to watch your relationships flourish, with personal and spiritual growth occurring regularly.
You may wonder how you can stay in the moment when your partner is accusing you or being mean to you. Maybe he’s cranky. Maybe she’s PMSing or projecting her wounds onto you. Maybe his inner child is afraid you will abandon him. Well, it may help you to remember that most of the times when you encounter conflict in any relationship (friendship or intimate), only about 10% of that contrast has anything to do with the present. The other 90% has something to do with unresolved trauma or wounds from the past.
Yes, unhealed trauma can kick our butt if we let it.
Intimate relationships without intimacy tend to go south quickly. Sure, the beginning of a relationship is usually marked with lots of intense emotion, passion, and sometimes even lust, but as time goes by, some of that dwindles. The love chemicals wane and if you’re not willing to cultivate the real-deal-deep intimacy, chances are your relationship will be dull and maybe even lifeless.
To cultivate intimacy, you’ll need to embrace authenticity and vulnerability. Getting real and raw. This requires you to be awake and living in the present moment. This means putting it all out there on the table. No lies. No masks. Just you being you, flaws, past, unhealed wounds, and all.
I had a friend come to me in tears recently, a wreck due to her partner lying to her about something pretty serious. In her venting session, she got pretty real and raw with herself, stating that she wasn’t in love, she was living a façade, and she was very tired of it. Her soul was essentially dying in a relationship plagued by ego, ego, and more ego.
Yet, at the end of the day, she went back to her partner and swept it under the rug. Again. I love her unconditionally for sure, as there is no judgment on my part, but I do know that she will face more of the same contrast in the relationship down the road, because when you sweep things under the carpet and do not allow your real self to be present in life, it comes back to bite you later. Yet, the biting doesn’t have to be viewed negatively; it’s can be a springboard for healing and growth. I mean, relationships are our opportunity to HEAL and GROW!
The art of seeing
When I met Shala, I remember early on in our conversations, she said, “I see you, Dominica”. It took me back. See me? What do you mean, see me? No one has ever told me they “see me”.
It didn’t take me long to realize that she was talking about the “real” me. The soul part of me. All of me. The good, the sad, the wounded little girl, the scared little girl, the beautiful, pure heart, and more. She saw all of it and guess what?
She chose to love it all.
Talk about a powerful connection. Want to cultivate deep intimacy? See others without judgment. See all of them, and pour out your love all over them. After all, we all want to be discovered, explored, and adored fully.
Presence: How to be present in a relationship
To be present in a relationship means to be in it without judgments. Without expectations. You want to be with them, get to know them, listen to them, and hold a sacred and safe space for them to just “be”, flawed and all.
If you’re having a conversation and all you are doing is thinking about what you can say next or about other things, you’re not consciously listening. Can you really hold a space to listen intently to your partner? Even when she is complaining? Hurt? Angry? Irrational?
Make a commitment to yourself
We talk a lot about making commitments to each other in a relationship, and that’s fine, but what about a commitment to yourself first? Can you commit to being conscious in your own life? Are you awake? Are you paying attention to the present moments and seeking opportunities for your growth? (As opposed to blaming, playing the victim, ignoring, numbing, running, etc.)
Conscious self-care is important. If you’re not consciously taking care of YOU, you’ll be subpar when it comes to flourishing in a conscious relationship. How are you doing when it comes to self-love? Do you love yourself? Do you honor yourself? Are you aware of your own needs and wants and if so, can you provide the majority of these on your own?
A solid intimate connection is influenced when you have a solid commitment to yourself. It makes for a firm foundation. You’ve heard things like, “He completes me”, indicating that a half person and another half person make up the whole. Conscious relationships are two whole persons coming together for an interdependent relationship. Both add to each other, but are not necessarily dependent upon each other in an unhealthy way.
Allowing space to heal
If you’re in a conscious relationship, understanding that your partner is your greatest asset to healing old, unresolved trauma or wounds will help your relationship tremendously. Let’s face it: We all have some unresolved wounds from the past. We all deal with things like the fear of abandonment, rejection, shame, and other negative feelings and these certainly surface when we’re in a relationship. Yes, triggers occur for sure no matter how much ease and flow you want to be occur in your love saga.
We talk about our inner children when it comes to this. Little Dominica and Little Shala. Both of them went through some tough stuff as children and they were wounded, so much so that in the present relationship when triggers arise, they “hijack” us and sometimes succeed in taking over.
This is why when contrast comes I am prone to “detach” and put my running shoes on. In my mind I’m thinking, “I didn’t sign up for this shit. I’m outta here!” And Little Shala? She’s so afraid of being abandoned that she’s in fight or flight mode, throwing in the towel too. She’d rather feel in control and say goodbye than to be abandoned. It is in these moments when we need to snap out of it and remember who we really are and love each other’s little wounded selves right there, so they can continue healing.
This is when it is so important to be present and conscious with each other. A time to remember that these emotions are the inner children, wounded and seeking unconditional love, so they can feel safe and get free. It’s a time for both of us to “own our shit” as many say, keeping our own side of the street clean.
Lastly, conscious relationships allow you a venue to radiate and practice authentic love. Do we always feel like loving our partner? How about when they are acting irrational? Bitchy? Or when they go through a period of depression? Do we offer them love or judgment? (Oh, god, when are you going to get over it?)
You can practice unconditional love in a conscious relationship no matter what’s going on. Practicing love means showing up for your partner even when you don’t really feel like it. Even when they are being a royal pain in the arse! If you’re on the consciousness journey, both of you will really embrace love and commit to loving even when it’s challenging.
Love is a practice, so practice!
This is the time that you can really experience a deep love and communion. Do the sacred dance, as we call it. It’s not in the happy, adventurous times that you’ll be growing and healing a lot. It’s in the contrast. The conflict. The arguments.
Don’t you see? This is the primary purpose of relationships? To wake up. Evolve. Heal. Grow.
Relationships are not just for convenience, sex, financial safety. They’re a platform for continued expansion and growth while here on the planet.
This certainly benefits you and your partner, but it also benefits humanity.
Feels good, doesn’t it?