It feels so good to FEEL one hundred percent responsible for my level of happiness.
I mean, on the days I actually feel like this.
To be the power that defines my emotions.
To be the power to create the kind of life I desire.
Granted, it’s taken me four decades to get a glimpse of this, and still, it can be a roller coaster ride at times, but more “aha” moments are coming.
And that feels good.
Not that life is about feelings. I spent half my life stuffing my negative feelings and then when a crisis unleashed a tidal wave of repressed memories, I had no idea how to cope. The intense water thrashing me around like an alligator busy with its prey.
Depression. It’s huge ya’ll. Over 15 million in America clinically depressed. I get it. I spent most of my life simmering on depression and I still have my “days”. But there’s a difference between a depression that causes you to be stuck, giving up on life and a depression that you use to navigate life at a deeper level.
You face the depression, start digging, and go into it consciously. You use it as a springboard for healing and awakening. I mean, let’s face it:
We’ve all got some big damn wounds festering underneath the surface at times and bet and believe it will show up looking for our response. The pain will sometimes devastate us, crumbling our foundation down to the ground.
We’ll feel it. And we’ll have to choose whether to stay down, or start rebuilding.
I grew up believing a faulty model. I did not learn that I was the ultimate authority in my life. I witnessed a society that threatened ostracism when a woman was “too passionate” or fully recognized her own empowerment.
I looked toward others to feel validation and a love for myself.
For a long time I looked toward a man to be the “strong” one.
As do many young and old alike today.
Today though, I am just grateful that I can wake up and spend my days letting these types of thoughts play dominant in my mind:
I am fully responsible for my life.
I am ok.
Pain is inevitable, but I do not have to let it dictate the way I live my life.
I have the power to create a kick ass life!
Dreams, goals, feelings, experiences, validation, and choices.
I trust my own intuition.
I’m letting my hair grow out grey. Over a decade of coloring it and I’m just done. Not caring what others think. Not going with the “major vote”. In fact, I think the color is the most beautiful color my hair has ever been.
This life. We hear about how it’s a play and we are the characters in the play.
As character in my play, I understand there are many different scenes and as author of this play, I can change up the scenes whenever I wish. If I cannot change the actual situation, I can change my perspective.
But as heroine of my own story, I revel in knowing that I am empowered simply knowing who I am in the larger story.
The ultimate story.
The story in which I am a mere observer of the “me” navigating life on earth.
We’re strong enough to let what does not serve us go.
Write your own story, beautiful woman.