codependency history

I had several dates with the moon this past weekend. Quality time engaging with a beautiful essence.

She speaks to me. She’s got this mystery and magic about her that both soothes and stirs me at my core. 

Sometimes I feel like her. I resonate.  At times I embody the way she lights up the sky…her beauty… at other times I disappear into the shadow, desiring to be unseen, unknown. Sometimes time and space alone in the dark is my sustenance. My food. My training.

If you know me, you know I’ve been through some things. Life hasn’t gone as planned for sure. I used to think that once I broke through my dark night of the soul, I’d be full-blown radiating light and love all the time.

But no. It doesn’t work like that, at least for me.

Sojourning on this mysterious life journey, I’m experiencing the ebb and flow of life. Just when I think it’s going to be smooth sailing, a big ole wave comes crashing in. My faith gets shaken. A new kind of death begins calling to me…again.

I’m talking about a dying to things my shadow still clings to. My ego. The parts of me that need healed. Emotions that linger. Lies that I’m believing. Insecurities. Dying to my false self again and again, piece by piece.

A little retreat

I went on a short retreat mid last month in the mountains. Quiet time. Me time. God time. Unplugged from technology time. It was harder than I thought it would be. No, I wasn’t bored, as I adore nature and all the beauty that stems from it. My biggest issue? Loneliness.

At times I simply felt lonely.  Granted, that might not be a surprise when you’re alone in nature for some tiem, but for me it was. I tend to spend a good amount of time alone, but haven’t struggled too much with loneliness lately.

But this kind of lonely was different. It was a deeper lonely. A separation from a Deeper Love lonely and it hit me hard. Sucker-punched me and left me a bit breathless. Confused. Very quiet in my spirit.

I was seeking direction and some answers while on that little retreat, but I didn’t get clarity for what I wanted. Silence prevailed. What I did get, while sitting on this huge rock in the middle of a forest, was a knowing that I was officially ending one dark night of the soul season and entering a new season. A new moon. My dark night had been long and hard as hell…but necessary. So very necessary.

A new season

Now, I’m all for a new season and for the most part I’ve been enjoying a new perspective on life for the past year. And fun. I’m having a freakin’ blast! Life’s been good and I’m certainly blessed, but deep in my spirit, I know it’s about so much more than “fun”. Yes, life ought to be fun and we ought to radiate joy and enjoy it like crazy, but it’s more than that. It’s deeper. It’s intimate. It’s sacred.

I’m journeying into big time unknown territory. No, I don’t have to. I want to. I need to. My soul yearns for more.

Deeper. Stronger. Powerful. Magical. Transformative. Soul Level Love.

The kind of Love that leaves you shaking uncontrollably, not able to utter one holy word.

And this unknown territory scares the hell out of me. I’m giving up comfort. Not settling in any way, shape, or form. Bet and believe my feet are shaking in the not knowing…in the silence.  Yes, I’m meditating. Praying. Listening. Surrendering. Leaning in and inhaling the beauteous scent of mystery. Sometimes I’m smiling at the silence and other times I’m like, “God, what’s next? When? Where? Who? I’m scared!”

And then, just like that, I hear:

“You are a Love Warrior. Shut up and dance.”

I heard this while out in nature walking. If you’re not familiar with the song, Shut Up and Dance, it’s worth the listen. 

The words hit me at my core.

“Oh, don’t you dare look back.

Just keep your eyes on Me.

I said, “You’re holding back”

She said, “Shut up and dance with me!”
And I melted in a puddle of tears, surrendering to wherever God leads. Whatever Spirit wants. No looking back, no questioning the silence. Keeping my eyes steadfast on God no matter what. Trusting. Dancing a most beautiful sacred dance and quite literally. Paying attention. Permeable heart ready to excavate more layers…for more healing…and thus, more Love.

It’s all about souls. It’s all about Love. This is know.

This is all I ever have to know.

I don’t have to have a detailed plan. The universe is lining things up. People are coming into my life to bless and receive. I mean amazing, kindred souls ablaze with fire. Doors are opening. Connections being made. Synchronicities. Awe-inspiring Intimacy like I’ve never experienced before. It’s blowing my mind.

Every day I wake up to a thousand miraculous possibilities and it’s not a lick about me. Again, it’s about souls. Giving hope. Extending grace and unconditional love. The kind of love that transforms in big fucking ways and I’m a part of that. We are all called to this!

 Am I paying attention? Do I believe? Am I willing?

Yes, most of the time. Still, my shadow comes out now and then- just as recently as last night as a matter of fact- reminding me I still have much inner work to do. Layers healing is what I like to call it. Insecurity. Ugh. That pops up more than I’d like, but I remind myself it’s progress, not perfection and being real goes a long way.

The moon. Isn’t she beautiful? Have you ever just gazed upon her beauty?

She’s a warrior, full of mystery

She’s wildly furious, yet gentle and serene

She’s pure, innocent, inviting all to Love
She’s beauty. Glorious Feminine Beauty.

The moon…she’s a mirror, let’s keep this in mind. Whether she’s full or not visible,

She’s present.

Always.

Let’s make a commitment to do the same.  Be present. Show up. Allow Sprit to unearth parts of you that need healed, for as you heal, we all heal more and more globally. Welcome the mirror. Allow it to crack us wide open, scooping up vulnerability and serving it on a platter.

It matters. You matter. We matter.

There’s masses who are untouched, undiscovered, unknown.

Be present. Make eye contact. Engage with them. Reach them right where they are. No judgement. No preconceived ideas. Simply a willing heart, blind faith, and vulnerability…is all that is necessary.  Let’s reach out with a Love that heals, restores, and builds authentic and intimate community.

After all, that’s what we all really want anyway.

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